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Have You Got the X Factor – 7 Ways to Overcome Low Self-Esteem
If you watched X Factor last weekend, you saw Mary Byrne from Ireland take to the stage to perform Tom Jones’ I Who Have Nothing. A slightly apprehensive Louis Walsh commented that it was a “great song”, while Simon Cowell’s eyes lit up with a “Gosh we’re gone” look.
During the obligatory quick Q&A before the contestants took to the microphone, Mary explained that she had been working on Till Number 40 at Tesco’s for the past 11 years, but said she always wanted to sing.
Well, cue the music…dimming the lights…time for Mary to sing…as the auditorium held its breath Mary sang the first few notes aloud and it was clear Tesco checkouts would see very little of her in the future weeks and months.
When Katy Perry commented that she didn’t know what had stopped Mary from singing in the past, Mary’s response was “low self-esteem.”
Cheryl Cole said the song gave her goosebumps, while a very honest Mr Simon Cowell said Mary had the best voice of any auditionee that day.
So how did a woman with a voice worthy of every X Factor judge doubt herself and her abilities for so long?
I’ve been clearing and clearing for the past few weeks, which has included completing surveys before breakout meetings with older clients. Although they come to see me for a variety of reasons, from pigeon phobia, fear of public speaking, and relationship issues to stress, anxiety, and depression, one thing that stands out to me is that in about 70% of cases, The problem stems from low self-esteem or lack of self-confidence.
Given these stats, some of you reading this may be having similar issues, and since you may not have been lucky enough to have Simon Cowell and the country boost your confidence I decided to share with you some tips on how to overcome lack of self esteem or confidence Tips and tricks for not having enough heart to move on with life and start chasing some long-held dreams.
7 Steps to Tackle Low Self-Esteem
1. Identify your “I’m not” story
When exploring “current issues” in more detail, clients often have a story playing out in their lives, usually starting with “I’m not…” and ending with statements like “Not good enough” “Not worthy enough” “Not enough” Capable” “not smart enough” “not smart enough” “popular enough”. I think you get what I mean. So, if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, or someone you’ve always aspired to be, ask Do yourself whether you are covering one of these stories.
2. When did you decide?
Whatever your story is, ask yourself: When did you decide you weren’t… (good enough/capable enough/smart enough etc.)? When I work with clients around confidence or self-esteem, we go deeper than the “when my last boss started picking on me” type answers and explore the unconscious decisions that were made. Often there is a series of seemingly insignificant events that kick-start the whole process, each event helping to reinforce the other.
3. Get to the root of the problem
Kind of like weeding a garden, eradicating the obvious culprit means your garden will look great for a few days or weeks, but that doesn’t mean you have to fix the problem once and for all. Go beyond the obvious and go back to the roots, get to the root, allow a belief or story to take root and let it permeate your life. The root cause is often startling and surprising, but arguably, when you hit the nail on the head, you’ll know. Clients often describe it as a “lightbulb moment” when suddenly they can see how this is playing out in their lives and the domino effect it creates.
4. Spot and unlock any secondary gains
It may seem strange that even when people desperately need help to change their lives and let go of old patterns, beliefs, or behaviors, they still refuse to let go when the pinch comes. One of the common culprits is secondary benefits, which simply means the benefits or rewards you get from having a problem. For example, if people know that you lack self-confidence, they will step in and do jobs that you don’t like doing, such as speaking in public or taking the lead on something that requires organization. Seven out of ten quadratic buffs are so unconscious that people don’t even realize it’s there.
When faced with the prospect of finally solving a problem, people may be afraid of what they will do or who they will be without it, especially if they have had the problem for a while or think it means taking on certain roles or roles they have previously been able to avoid responsibility.
If you keep the secondary buffs the same, old problems and patterns may eventually resurface after the initial confidence boost.
5. Let go from the root
Knowing and being able to articulate a problem is only part of the battle. Many people can tell you exactly what’s holding them back, but that doesn’t really solve the problem. In fact, it often makes things worse as people blame themselves for knowing what the problem is and still not being able to make changes or fix it.
For 10 years, I’ve found that what works best is to get at the root of the problem, and get to the bottom of it; from a psychological perspective, what you might call a gestalt or a chain of events related to a root cause. I usually use a combination of timeline therapy, Huna, and hypnosis to address and release the root cause, with some language resourcing done beforehand to ease the mind.
6. Create new beliefs and behaviors
Another common reason people go back to their old ways is that they haven’t done anything to replace something they’ve deleted. For example, quitting smoking but not installing ecological alternatives means people will eventually find themselves lighting up again.
Avoid coming up with what you think “should” be a good alternative belief. Instead, you need to dig deeper to make sure you come up with ideas that work for you.
7. Build new beliefs
Once you’ve elicited new beliefs, actions, and behaviors that resonate with you, install them in your timeline so they “take root” like low self-esteem once did. When you do this effectively, you begin to see the world and your life through a different set of filters. It’s as if a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders, or a dark cloud overhead has been cleared.
Well, as they say in show business, “Thank you and good night!”
I’ll see you here again for the next celebrity coaching position…
celebrity trainer xx
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