3 Week Old Baby No Bowel Movement In 24 Hours Real Experiences Series – Meeting My Deceased Son

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Real Experiences Series – Meeting My Deceased Son

NOTHING could have prepared me for what I was about to experience. It was after 10pm as we waited in a pre-op room. Dancing between denial of the situation with nursing staff, sometimes in distant mockery, some of which were cheerful, my wife lay there; her abdomen had a clear shape, in it I could see the outline of our little child, motionless, still forever.

While I conversed with others, and, while my wife lay trembling from shock and fever, from infection, I massaged her abdomen; the shape of my son’s left side, hip and thigh, visible. I found myself strangely aware of everything that was happening; strangely calm because my son had passed away hours before. Indeed, as I faced those very endless moments I found God, there, with me, giving me the strength to be real. And it wasn’t hard to be real. Through it all, my wife was also very real, despite the prickly fever that presented.

And, “through everything” was a hymn for us, when this period could have been rather an anathema to the enemy of God, who would seek us gathered in the earth; a time when the Presence of God transcended any carefree dwelling. “Through it all my eyes are on you…it’s good…” were the words of a song we played twice, during the birthing process, through tears of eternal longing and through the fearful anticipation of what lay just before us as an unprecedented experience.

I will never forget the moments before Nathanael’s birth. It was a long birth procedure by Cesarean Section, (compared to my previous four children born this way). The atmosphere inside the theater was harsh. Silence, except for Kristene DiMarco’s voice and her ethereal music. No one wanted to mention the elephant in the room. My response was to issue grace – heaven knows, we all needed it in spades.

Every time we noticed movement from my wife’s abdomen, while the surgeons were manipulating tissue, we prepared for the moment of Natanael’s actual arrival. There seemed to be several iterations where we got ready. The medical team struggled to get Nathanael in a position where they could extract him. When they finally delivered him, our midwife gave me the signal. She draped my cradled hands in a cloth. When I got up from the stool I was sitting on, I was greeted by the surgeon who gave me my son. As with the births of all my children nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I felt now. But this moment was the world different. There was no sense of positive pressure amidst the joy of taking care of the baby. There was no eye contact or interaction from the surgeon. The moment was idle; empty of something. It was an incredibly sad moment to be brave for.

I grabbed Nathanael with both hands – my boy, every bit of almost 8 pounds, who was very healthy for 36 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy – and immediately kissed his forehead; a kiss of longing. His skin had a distinctive smell about it. He frowned on his face. He looked like his older brother, just sleeping. I just wanted to hold him. I took him over to Sara and we both cried a little. The operating staff just continued their work, leaving us alone. We were not rushed. We spent an initial 3 hours with Nathanael, including bathing and dressing him back in my wife’s delivery room.

Moments like this life and time stand still. Nothing else matters. And you have the distinct impression that your life has changed forever; a very surreal feeling demanding surrender. However, strangely, I was also so happy that I met Nathanael like this. God was good to support me and us when we could have been so emotional not to take advantage of the moment.

Later that morning – literally just five hours later – the whole family was present as Heartfelt took pictures for us. It was a difficult experience for several in our family, but everyone did their best and that’s all anyone can ask for. We were so proud of our family during the whole period.

***

One thing I learned in that darkest hour,

I definitely didn’t hold the power,

Only by faith I had the grace of God,

For I went obediently and sought his face.

© 2015 SJ Wickham.

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