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Cougar – What’s in a Name?

I used to hate the word “cougar” for all the obvious reasons. First, it conjures images of Mrs. Robinson in girdle and garters, with smoke swirling around her alcoholic head as she seduces the vulnerable (but willing) Benjamin. Fast forward to women over 40 in leopard print, showing too much cleavage, wearing 4 inch stilettos, hanging out at bars, gulping down drinks, and dragging their young prey home. Every time the media interviews me, I cringe because I know the obvious questions will be asked: “Isn’t it just about sex?” “Isn’t it just about the money?” In the study, by psychologists studying human behavior and the world’s foremost authority on intergenerational dating and psychosexual imprinting (translation: cougars and cubs dating), they were completely wrong. The media is promoting the “Mother Stifler Myth” that I created in the movie American Pie. Stiffler’s mom seduces a young man, but he’s not the six-pack, GQ model type. He is mature and intelligent for his age. He was in her head before he even went to bed. Young men and the media who think young men and women’s relationships are just about sex or money never have sex with older women. If they had, they would know the truth.

The truth is fairly simple, and I say this with absolute certainty because it’s a demographic I’ve formally studied for over 20 years. If you’re familiar with bell curves, it’s easy to see that they can be applied to almost anything in life. Let’s plot the dynamics of young men older women and see what we find: in the middle part of the curve we have most older women. An “older woman” can be thought of as any woman in her 20s and older who is dating younger men. Most women who fall in the middle of the curve are between the ages of 40-50. These are cougars. Women in their 30s are Pumas. Women in their 20s are kittens. Cougars and kittens fall outside the center of the bell curve. Assume they are 1 standard deviation from the mean to the left of the middle section. Women 60 and over are the panthers. Let’s put them to the right of the middle of the bell curve. There are fewer kittens, pumas, and panthers than pumas; but for the sake of argument, they are all “cougars.”

What is a cougar? For the reasons I gave above, many women are offended by this nickname, as I am. People actually get mad at me for using the word in my articles and research. Do not shoot the messenger. I didn’t coin the term and I didn’t imprint it. Blame the media. They are the ones who want cougars to look like neurotics, cartoonists, lunatics, weirdos.

Every time I hear the word mentioned, read about it in an article, or see my fingers type on the computer screen, I have a violent reaction.

no longer.

Here’s what I’ve realized and what I’ve advocated to the thousands of members of my cougar dating site: You define for yourself what a cougar is. Don’t let the media. Your friends, other cougars, teens, or so-called “experts” will tell you how to define yourself as a cougar. The basic elements that make up the definition are: older women who date, mate and/or marry younger men. This is the basic standard. You don’t have to look like Courteney Cox, have Demi Moore’s money, have Madonna’s confidence, or Cher’s success as a cougar. People who say cougars are “sexy, confident, successful, mature women who know what they want” ignore most women who think they are cougars but may not be successful, sexy or confident. In fact, she may have just come out of a stale marriage of 20 years, heavily in debt, feeling insecure about the extra 20 pounds, but finds that she is attracted to and open to a relationship with a younger man.

There are “experts” who will try to tell people that a woman has to be over 40 to be a cougar. But in fact, it’s not. On my dating site, there are women in their 20s who date men who are 7 to 10 years younger than themselves and who consider themselves cougars. Being a cougar is not so much about your age, finances, size, or confidence level, but more about your desire to date a younger man.

I tried really hard to set the record straight for the media; but they published the porn and money angle anyway.

For my Ph.D. research project “Childhood sexual imprinting and its impact on adult relationships of young men dating older women” I interviewed over 1,000 men about their desire to be with older women. Every man can give me chapters and verses about a “defining moment” in his life when he longed to be with an older woman: school teacher, nanny, sister’s friend, mother’s best girl friend, actress In TV and movies; the list goes on and on. For these people, it has nothing to do with the myth of Stiffler’s mom. It wasn’t all plain sailing for Mrs. Robinson, but a powerful imprint that stayed with them throughout their lives, making them return to the older woman again and again.

I interview men in their 30s who are married to older women who are looking for their next older wife. I’ve interviewed men in their 40s and 50s who refused to date women their own age or younger in favor of more mature women. I met an 82-year-old man who told me, “I just married an older woman,” and added with a wink, “It’s always better to have sex with an older woman.” 82!

Psychosexual imprinting is an area of ​​expertise of mine as it relates to the younger male/older female dynamic. The “psychological” part has to do with the psychological aspects of imprinting and the personality of young people and how it is formed and imprinted. The “sex” part is superficial fascia obvious. Imprinting is a very powerful defining moment in a person’s life. We all have imprints, some positive and some not. A young man who makes a positive impression of an older woman will spend the rest of his life seeking out and connecting with an older woman. This is not a one-time, one-off thing.

Here’s what the media doesn’t understand about this dating dynamic. Many so-called “cougar experts” don’t understand this and are jumping on the bandwagon to sell books and speed-dating sessions. My research in this area is extensive, comprehensive and well documented; that’s why CNN calls me The Uber Cougar.

So, if you’re a cougar, don’t be ashamed of the word. This is not pejorative. This is not demeaning. “Wear your paws with pride,” as we say on my dating site. Define who you are as a cougar and dispel the myths out there. Feel free to email me if you have any questions about my research and this dynamic. Age discrimination is the last barrier we break in dating. Even if you’re not a cougar now, at least now you have a little more understanding of what’s really… and what’s not.

Happy hunting!

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