7 Year Old.Hard.Time.Passing.Big.Poop In Rectum Right Away A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse

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A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse

I knew nursing school was going to be tough, and I was willing to sacrifice my sleep to get my degree. I would come to class like the walking dead. I managed to get through the tough times of nursing school because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and there was. But, man, can we just turn the lights off sometimes and sleep through the night?

Well, as you know by now, I’m a zombie nurse. I graduated 6 years ago and work in a busy medical surgery. 12 hour shifts were the norm and I worked three shifts in a row. I guess you’d say, I’m a glutton, and you’d be right. Many nurses choose to split their shifts during the week so they are less tiring. except me? No, I’m a diehard. I thought, if I’m already working, I might as well keep working until it’s done and then enjoy four days off. My boss thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll never admit she’s right because she already thinks she’s Einstein’s ghost.

My day starts off at a ridiculous time. I’ve pressed the alarm three times and it just won’t go off. It’s like Groundhog Day. It was still early, and the bats were still up and flying around. I opened my eyes again only to realize I slept through my last nap and I had 1 minute and 30 seconds to shower, get dressed, eat, make coffee and drive to work… stupid! I cursed and rolled my ass out of bed, cursing and swearing I’d be smarter tonight and go to bed early so I could wake up easily the next day. But it never happens. What a liar I am!

I took a freezing cold shower to wake up my lazy cells, then thanked God and WonderWink for letting me get to work in my pajamas. Man, I love my scrub. I ran downstairs, opened the fridge, and took a piece of moldy, unrecognizable fruit? (or something), but I don’t have time for coffee. Yes, I hate my life right now.

I look like Dog-doo because I don’t have makeup on. Maybe that’s okay for some nurses. You know, the ones who are naturally great at 6:00 in the morning, but not my ugly ass. I look like I’ve been dragged backwards through the bushes, and it never fails. No one can shut up about how I look at work. It has to be, “Hey, you don’t look well,” or “Wow, you look tired.” Yes, I’m tired, no, I’m not sick, I’m just ugly as hell without my Estee Lauder Halloween mask .

Eating breakfast while listening to a presentation is a challenge, even for me. Now, my stomach is strong, but why does every one of my patients have to have problems with stool, vomit and pus? As I listened, I stuck a half-rotten banana in my throat, envious of other people’s McDonald’s. Others seem more organized and fresh. I could barely keep my eyes open to listen to the report. I seem to get what the nurse lady is saying, “I fucking want to get out of here.” Report to me, because she does the report like she’s Speedy Gonzales, and when I ask any questions, she just says hastily, “It’s in on the chart”. Gosh, it’s going to be a long day.

I feel like I ran a marathon and it’s only 7:30 in the morning. Time flies so fast when you’re having fun! Medications evaluated and passed, sounds pretty good, right? Haha, wrong. All my patients today are train wrecks, taking a million and a half of their medication, and we don’t have half of it. Pharmacy time is up, and I’m singing the zombie song, “I love my job, I love my job.” Loudly.

I was already daydreaming about bedtime, but I got my assessment done without too much trouble. Well, except that sweet old lady with dementia keeps asking me to find her socks (when she has both of them on). The patient next to her thought the Mafia was plotting to kill him and Mr. Gross, who kept asking me to bathe him. Tell me why I’m a nurse again?

I finished my morning chart, but I feel like I’ve hit a wall. If I don’t get a lot of caffeinated coffee, I’m on the ground. Time for a quick run to the cafeteria for a bite to eat. ah, what do you know? They had some, but it was old and strong and was about to grow legs and go by itself. What the hell, I need coffee! So I spent their goddamn million dollars on a mug of coffee and rushed upstairs to watch more “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” starring my boss as Freddy Krueger.

Like most days, she was hell on wheels today. She sits at her desk and yells orders at us, she has no idea what real nursing is a thing. The only time she came back from the dead to lend a helping hand was when the Joint Committee came and she suddenly transformed into Nurse Nancy and made everyone recite the mission statement.

While I was away, one of my patients fell out of bed trying to escape the visiting Mafia. All I can think of is more paperwork. The patient is perfectly fine, but I now have a hundred years of paperwork. As I was starting to write the book I had to write, another patient’s family member came to visit. She wanted to talk to me, so I stopped what I was doing and rushed to the hospital room. She told me she wasn’t a nurse and said, “I’m not trying to do your job, but a friend of mine works in a nursing home and she does some medical work. She said you put my mother on too many antibiotics and she took the wrong type ’.” Well, really? By this time I had hit my boiling point, but I was still trying to be good. “Okay, let me check and I’ll get back to you.” I said happily, muttering to myself as I walked.

8 hours later and I’m still flying around like a witch on a broomstick. My graph isn’t complete, and I’m falling further and further behind with every step. One of the great things about being a nurse is that the time flies because you never come out to get some air.

At the end of each day, my bladder aches from the need to pee. I think I can easily win the peeing contest! I am a beast! My stomach growled from the lack of food, and the day was quickly becoming more like Tales from the Crypt. All I could think about was getting the fuck out of the way. But overtime is fast becoming a looming possibility. when will this end

I managed to get my paperwork done and my patients are finally happy, (for now). Can it really be over? Relieved, I threw myself into her arms like a clichéd love story. I’m glad it’s over for today. I can go home now. yeah! I ran to my car and noticed it was a full moon, although I could tell you that without looking. I got in the car, started the engine, and breathed a sigh of relief. I looked in the rearview mirror and was scared out of my wits. There was a scary monster looking back at me. Oh wait, this is me after my hellish 12 hour shift.

On the way home, I reflected on my day. I realize I’m a wreck, but in a good way. I’m not going to take anything for the witches I work with and the little devil patients I occasionally encounter. I love my life as a nurse and wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. It might be crazy, but it’s my life and I love being a zombie nurse. Maybe I’ll resign myself to going to sleep after my death.

This is dedicated to all my zombie nurse friends around the world. Happy Halloween Zombie Nurse! you are great!

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