A 6-Week-Old Girl Is Brought For A Well-Child Examination Our Baby: The Grape

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Our Baby: The Grape

My wife and I are only about six weeks into this pregnancy, and while we think very differently about the subject, we’re still struggling with the whole idea of ​​having a baby. I worry about whether we will be able to take on the financial and moral responsibility of bringing children into this world. My wife’s biggest concern was getting something the size of a watermelon through her hoo ha.

So far, it’s all about ourselves. We didn’t tell anyone else about our impending baby because, frankly, I don’t think either of us fully believed that my wife was actually pregnant.

Sure, she was always moody, had inexplicable cravings for food, and she started complaining about how bloated and fat she felt, but really, it wasn’t any different from how she’d acted in the five years I’d known her. And I married her anyway.

Now our baby isn’t really a “he” or a “she” in our minds, but an “it.” We’ve read a lot of these baby sites, many of which compare our baby’s current size to various fruits. As the pregnancy progresses, the information will eventually change, so a week later the baby site will announce “Your baby is now the size of a sesame seed!” A week or two later we will read “Your baby is now the size of a raisin! “

If these baby sites had their way, we’d all be comparing our own sizes to various items in the produce aisle. I’m 8.4 carrots tall when I’m standing, and when I’m on the scale, it shows my weight like a slot machine, like 250 pumpkins, two oranges, and three cherries.

So I check these sites every day and I’m reminded every day that our baby is the size of a grape. I don’t mind telling you that it’s hard to develop a strong attachment to a grape…and it’s not even a fully developed grape. It’s not like my wife has someone the size of a small grape. No, now she has a little pink squishy thing, really, that kind of looks like a…well…a squashed grape.

Our babies are just starting to grow their organs, so we don’t have a lot in common with our very, very, very small offspring. I mean, I’m not a very complicated person, but I still like to relax with the TV remote in one hand and a beer in the other. Now our baby doesn’t have hands to hold a remote or even a liver to handle a beer.

It all still feels so unreal to us that my wife and I are trying to figure out the best way to talk about the whole idea of ​​being pregnant. The phrase “we’re pregnant” makes it sound like we’re some kind of bisexual conjoined twins, sharing one body and committing unspeakable acts of adultery to ourselves. She’s the one getting pregnant and I’m the one doing it (or so she claims).

We’ve been trying to find ways to refer to pregnancy, and so far we’ve used things like “beaten down,” “anticipating,” “bread in the oven,” “penetrated,” “violated,” and even “beaten up.” ’” I guess we had to filter some of that out when it was finally time to announce it to our family.

That’s where we are in the whole baby making process. The baby is made, but it’s still a very squishy little thing without much personality, and even lighter. I’m sure being a dad will change my life, but right now I just don’t feel it.

However, I vowed never to eat grapes again. At least until our baby grows up…to the size of a lime.

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