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Death of a Child – Does Loss of a Child Really Destroy Marriages?
You may have heard statistics cited that say parents who suffer the death of a child are more likely to divorce. In fact, the oft-cited statistic is that 75 percent of parents end up divorcing within months of losing a child. However, this number is a guess by the author of a book written on the subject in 1977. Research conducted since then paints a different picture.
According to a 2006 survey by Compassionate Friends, the largest bereavement self-help organization in the United States, the divorce rate for bereaved parents is 16%.
In another study, researchers at Montana State University Billings conducted a survey of bereaved parents. result? Nine percent of respondents divorced after the death of a child. 24% of the remaining respondents had considered divorce – but hadn’t actually done so.So in 33 percent of couples surveyed, the death of a child Have Emphasis on marriage, but the divorce rate is far less than 75%.
A third study, published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology in 2010, looked at whether divorce rates were higher among spouses whose children had cancer. Childhood cancer was not associated with an overall increased risk of parental divorce. However, divorce rates rose among couples whose mothers had more than high school education. The risk is particularly high for couples with children aged 9 years and younger at the time of diagnosis, and after the death of a child shortly after diagnosis.
If you’ve been through the heartbreak of a child’s death, know that there’s a good chance your bond with your spouse has grown stronger.Nevertheless, in some cases, such tragic were able Emphasize relationships. To keep your marriage as healthy as possible, grieving parents should keep the following in mind.
Blaming is highly toxic to any marriage because it involves blaming your partner for wrongdoing. For example, the husband holds his wife responsible for the death of their teenage son by allowing them to stay out late and drive to the movies with friends. On the way back from the movie theater, their son died in a car accident. In this case, blame can erode the very foundation of a marriage.
Sometimes grieving parents place the blame on outside entities. Compare Meryl and George to Patricia and Joe. Meryl and George’s 11-year-old son Danny died of a heart attack. Neither man blamed the other for the death. Yet both Meryl, who is Jewish, and George, who is Lutheran, are angry with God. Before Danny died, Meryl agreed to raise Danny as a Lutheran, and their young boy attended church and often arrived before services so he could talk to the priest. After Danny died, Meryl and George felt that God had punished them unjustly for raising their son right. However, the couple was able to let go of their wrath against God. Three years after Danny’s death, George walked into church for the first time since the funeral. More than a decade later, George and Meryl’s marriage is still going strong.
It’s a different story for Patricia and Joe, who lost their son Jimmy in a car accident. At first, the accident brings them closer—until Joe blames God for the accident, and his days are consumed by overwhelming rage that cannot be quelled. Patricia, on the other hand, turned to God after Jimmy’s death. They tried counseling, but Joe’s resentment for God and nearly everyone around him ruined their marriage, and the couple divorced.
solve your guilt
The above-mentioned study by Montana State University researchers found that parents who considered divorce after a child’s death were more likely to express feelings of guilt, and often or sometimes believed that their spouses expressed guilt. Those who had not considered divorce were more likely to experience little or no guilt and were less likely to think their spouse expressed guilt. If you feel guilty in some way about your child’s death, counseling may be an effective way to help work through your feelings.
Realize that you grieve differently
Our spouses often have similar interests and belief systems as us. Grief may be the first time in our relationship when we notice a significant difference between the two of us. For example, women tend to be more open and willing to talk about their grief, while men tend to keep their emotions inside or try to hide their vulnerability by grieving when they are alone. Men can also use anger to express their sadness. For example, when George finds Danny dead, he slams on the bedroom door, smashing a hole in the wood.
Allow each other to grieve at our own pace
Many of you reading this have heard these words before: “Why don’t you move on? It’s been a year (or two, or three, etc.).” It’s depressing enough when family members say that up. But it can feel devastating when a spouse feels it’s time for you to move on. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and we have to accept our partner’s schedule. George and Meryl experienced this firsthand.
For about a year after Danny died, Meryl wanted to visit the grave every week. George wanted to make fewer visits. At first, this hurt Meryl’s feelings. But George convinced her that going every other week was part of letting go. “I’d go a little crazy if it got longer,” Meryl admitted.
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