Does An Appraiser Pull.An Old Appraisal.Before He Comes To.Your Home Sub-Primal Instincts – A Story of the Sub-Prime Housing Market

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Sub-Primal Instincts – A Story of the Sub-Prime Housing Market

“It’s the plumbers who stop working just to squeeze extra money out of you. It’s you who suddenly find out you need to remove the 50K underground tank. It’s vandalism when you’re done with the property…” as they walk by John sighs as he touches a wet mattress with charred edges, “I’m telling you, I’ve had enough of this.”

Jim looks at him grimly for a moment, then quietly raises his camera to take a picture of the caved-in ceiling, pushing himself almost mechanically to remain professionally detached. When the smell of charred wood mingled with a thick musty smell hit his nostrils, he could almost imagine himself standing in John’s shoes 20 years ago, his young entrepreneurial spirit battered by the vagaries of an indifferent marketplace. It’s been a long time since he lost his hard-earned portfolio of small commercial properties. The real estate recession of the early 1990s completely discouraged him. He never went back to owning property. Instead, he chose a career as an appraiser.

They moved into the kitchen, where old signs of family life were strewn all over the battered counters. Several old, dirty dishes straddled an empty cereal box. A faded brown pacifier sits on top of an open, dirty refrigerator. Suddenly, their eyes fell on the three rusty injection needles in the center of the stained floor, and their spines felt chills.

“I’ll take a quick shot of the kitchen, and then we’re all done,” Jim’s voice climbs with feigned glee at the words “all done,” as if he were a dentist soothing a suffering man as he finishes a bloody treatment. Patient like tooth root. They went outside and crossed the street for one last front photo.

“Man, it’s a shame the whole house isn’t shaped like that,” Jim pointed to the new brick and windows, which made the house look new from the front.

“Yes, I know…” John’s tone was wistful. “If life was so easy…but hey, that’s why I bought it for $200. When I’m done, it’s easy to sell for $450, $500.”

“I don’t know.” Jim stared a few doors away at two massive women yelling at each other on the porch of a detached family of four with a huge crack in the side wall. “If you moved the property a few blocks away,” he pointed east, “I might see numbers like this.”

A black Cadillac Escalade slowed down next to them, and three rowdy kids suddenly ran into the street in a haphazard chase. The deep bass from the closed tinted windows soon drowned out the children’s voices and roared across the block. The fading rumble kept echoing in Jim’s head as the Cadillac drove on, and he slowly, almost painfully, turned his gaze to his battered Honda hatchback. “I can come up with almost any value you want by strictly following the valuation guidelines.”

At these words, there was a distinct twinkle in John’s eyes, and a smile flitted across his mouth. Although he had only known Jim for 30 minutes, it was clear to both of them that the first fibers of their friendship had been woven. They understand each other almost without words.

For a long time, John pored over the resentment still clouding Jim’s eyes before deciding to take a chance.

“You know, with the right appraisal, I could get good financing on this property.” He waited nervously for Jim’s reaction. The latter turned to him blankly and without a word.

‘Damn it! ‘ That’s the wrong way to say it,’ thought John. He had felt he could prudently make a deal with Jim, but now Jim’s dull silence made him uneasy. How stupid of him to say that.

Jim looked away, thinking about the bank. He paid too much for this bank. For years, he’d been offering them exact value, analyzing every contract thoroughly as if his own money was at stake. He stared at the spouting fire hydrant a block away.

He’d seen loan officers and department heads come and go without even the slightest courtesy to show appreciation. He suppressed the sudden gush of water in his eyes. His thousands of hours of work turned into a meaningless pile of paper in their hands, useful only for the one figure they needed to cover.

“What are your considerations?” He turned suddenly to John.

“Well,” John suppressed his surprise, “I was just thinking…” He breathed a sigh of relief,

“Right now I can get 100% financing if you come in with the right amount…”

“Don’t you need to personally guarantee the loan?” Jim interrupted him with forced indifference.

God, this appraiser really saw through his mind! “Everything I own is in my wife’s name,” he replied matter-of-factly, as if commenting on the weather. He had collected some rent earlier and was well aware now that the inside pocket of his jacket was stuffed with thick clumps of Franklin, Grant, and Jackson. “Why don’t we get in my car and see what we can fix.”

Estimated at $500,000. As always, the loan officer in charge of the loan sat in his over-air-conditioned, windowless office next to three yards of waist-high documents without even looking at them. The number he needs is already in the app. Even though he’d read the appraisal thoroughly, he’d only notice that the compensation was within a few-block radius, which makes perfect sense. He would never know that similar properties a few blocks away often sell for twice as much as they do on the same street.

While John was in the bank’s conference room signing the last of his three loan documents and receiving his freshly printed check for $493,537, the senior vice president in the corner office a few doors away was talking about the most recent of his monthly conference calls. Liked the part with the bank management.

Percival Eaton Worchester III raises his feet to his spotless mahogany desk and examines the shiny black toes of his $400 shoes. In the first 30 years of his life, since he was quietly forced out of Yale, nothing has restored his confidence more than this month’s stats. “The number of origins under my supervision is simply unprecedented,” he says, meticulously pronouncing each syllable, with a sweet smile only his mother can appreciate.

While he never fully understood how securitization worked, he learned that banks effectively transferred risk to others while retaining record fees. But neither he nor the in-house lawyers who tried to explain it mildly to him realized that a small clause buried deep in securitization documents called for buybacks if a certain number of loans defaulted. Bank presidents who initially agreed to the terms never imagined this would happen.

John started bidding on every wretched pile of bricks he could find that even looked a bit like real estate. With the scope of his recovery work now easily reduced to the surface, he is able to multitask. Assessors’ inspection time is also greatly reduced as they exclude indoor walks.

“Oh, that’s beautiful,” John said, scrutinizing an elegant living room in the photo Jim had taken him to examine.

“This is what the living room on this property looks like when you’re ‘finished,'” Jim exclaims, a spark of childish mischief in his eyes. The photo was from another appraisal, but Jim would insert it into the appraisal of the ramshackle property in front of them. “What can you do if the property falls into disrepair after you’re ‘done’? It’s not a good neighborhood now, is it?”

“And, who cares. You make money, I make money, the bank makes money…everyone’s happy!”

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