How Long Can A 2-Month-Old Go Without Eating At Night The Forgotten Factor in Coping with the Death of Your Loved One

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The Forgotten Factor in Coping with the Death of Your Loved One

No one is immune to the sad experience of grieving the death of a loved one. However, until death enters our lives and a significant other is no longer with us, our culture teaches us to deny death and minimize its impact on quality of life. Then, if we’re lucky, we get a crash course in mourning from a counselor, clergyman, or social worker.

Whatever we learned then, we have long been burdened with the half-truths and false beliefs that well-meaning adults have perpetuated. These assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to achieve the ultimate goal of all grief: accepting the reality of loss. Acceptance means saying an intellectual, but more importantly an emotional “yes” to this major change in our lives.

Acceptance can only come through the collective efforts of mourners. Contrary to an old misinformation, time does not heal all wounds unless the mourner does his/her grieving work. Or, as one mother said to me after her 17-year-old son died in a car accident, “Time doesn’t count unless you’re working between minutes.”

The key understanding is that you must take action every day to accept and reinvest in life. All this is easier said than done. So what form should action take? Here are five to get started.

1. Say to yourself every day and night that you will get through this dark experience of self-reflection. What you say to yourself not only affects every cell of your body, for better or for worse, but can seriously affect much-needed action that only you can initiate.

2. While essential, positive self-talk alone is not a panacea. You have to start engineering small successes before you realize you can accommodate this major life change. This is the key factor. Make a plan to get you through the day (or even the next hour) or a day that you think will be difficult for you. Maybe a part-time job has been a success for you, or completing tax returns on your own for the first time. Find something and work for it because it will strengthen your inner life.

3. Recognize how far you have come. When you look back on your day, be proud of where you were in your journey. If it’s only a month or a few months, pay attention that you are still walking, and you will continue to persist. Tell yourself every day that you will keep going and know that things will get better. Your persistent and adaptive actions will make a difference. Celebrate your progress with friends you trust and who understand your pain.

4. Examine why you are in this position in grief work. What skills have you used? Or have you discovered hidden talents that you weren’t aware of? Something got you this far. your organizational skills? Your promise? a belief? your faith? Knowing you’re not alone or how to relate to caregivers? Keep using it, and work on developing it. In short, recognize and use your strengths.

5. Begin and end each day with a grateful memory. This is especially helpful when you feel the downward spiral and anxiety about loss starting to creep in. Look back at the good things that happened throughout the day—an old friend called, you found your misplaced keys, you got a raise, your computer was working fine, etc.—and immerse yourself in the good feelings. This is good mental health in the making. Also, look back at your life with the deceased and pick out some memories for which you are grateful. Focus on all that you have received and re-immerse yourself in the feeling of being loved by him/her and the Higher Power.

At the end of the day, the small successes of your actions will be the deciding factor in how you remove unnecessary pain while mourning. In the process of adjusting, get rid of the thought that you cannot have some joy and inner peace. We all need them to balance the sad and negative thoughts that keep creeping into our minds. It’s okay to smile, feel good, or laugh without feeling guilty—that’s part of the action you can take, and another small win. It will recharge you as you come back and continue to adjust to your massive loss.

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