How To Stop My 4-Year-Old From Crying All The Time Being Highly Sensitive in a Cold World

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Being Highly Sensitive in a Cold World

There was a lot of stigma involved in being a quiet kid who liked to play in his room by himself and read for hours in the library by himself. Parents, teachers, and friends start worrying about you; is she being bullied? Does she have troubles? Was she abused?

The answer to all of the above questions is no.

I just enjoy my time alone and never have much to say. Instead, as a young child, I developed the habit of keeping my thoughts to myself. I still don’t know why or how, but as a twenty-six-year-old woman, I still deeply believe that some thoughts are better left unsaid. Some people say it’s called “bottling things up,” but I delude myself into thinking it’s a coping mechanism, a way to stay out of trouble.

I was completely wrong about this because I was actually just bottling. Of course, I live in total denial, but I don’t know how to change my ways.

Over the years, I’ve become an expert at soaking things up; the body language of a potential boss in a job interview, the frown of a partner, the tone of a parent, the smile of a stranger. I dissect and analyze everything, and I react. Is my boss unhappy with my job? Is my partner upset about something I do? Is the woman in the corner laughing at me?

I am fascinated and worried, and in the end I always ask myself: did I do something wrong? In other words, I am a highly sensitive person.

The good news is I’m not alone. The first study of highly sensitive people was done in 1990, but Dr. Elaine Aron has written many books on the topic over the years and developed a self-test to help determine if a person falls into that category.

But in general, highly sensitive people have these characteristics:

1. We feel too much, too deeply.

Sometimes, we might even get too obsessed with something. However, we are intuitive and rely heavily on our intuition; if something feels wrong, we don’t stop thinking about it until the feeling goes away.

2. We are very emotional.

It’s not just crying over spilled milk, it’s empathy and caring for your friend’s problems. We’re basically sponges around people; if someone is having a bad day, we can’t help but feel guilty and sorry for them too. (Yes, we usually cry more easily than other people.)

3. Our decisions are hard-won.

Because we know more about the details, we take a little longer than usual to make a decision. We tend to weigh every option and every possible outcome. If we end up making a wrong decision (which is inevitable), we experience deep feelings of guilt, regret, and remorse. It can also happen when we unintentionally upset a loved one.

4. We prefer to exercise alone.

In a recent study, Dr. Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, interviewed a large group of people and found that highly sensitive people prefer individual sports like running and cycling and avoid group classes. But he also added that this is not set in stone; those who may have parents who provide a supportive and understanding environment will be more likely to participate in group sports.

5. We pay great attention to details.

We noticed everything in the room, from a stack of old newspapers in the corner to the stains on the carpet. We also pay great attention to the body language, tone of voice and facial expressions of others.

6. We don’t like loud things.

Personally, I hate loud noises. The sound of someone chewing food or the hum of a fluorescent light drowns me out; I feel sweat rushing up my pores and my heart beat faster in my chest. Sometimes I even get a headache from this overwhelming noise.

7. We respond strongly to criticism.

Then we blame ourselves for everything wrong in the world. We basically want to please everyone and look our best all the time, which is almost impossible. We overanalyzed the criticism and ended up regretting not trying something else.

I don’t like labels, but after crossing off 16 of 18 habits on my comprehensive self-assessment, I can’t deny that I’m a super sensitive person, and I believe I always have been. It’s no walk in the park, and sometimes, it can be very lonely. How do I express myself when I know deep down that my thoughts are irrational and overblown? How do I explain to someone that every inch of my body feels a certain way, and sometimes it feels like there’s a constant stream of hot and cold water pouring off your head?

Maybe if I stop living in my head, then I’ll learn how to fit in the way I am. Are you a highly sensitive person? How do you cope?

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