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How to Convince Your Parents of Your Intercaste Love
This is a question that is probably as old as time. Adult children don’t always choose their parents as their mates. Shakespeare make it immortal Romeo and JulietA central theme of the Broadway musical “Fiddler on the Roof” and the current TV series “Downton Abbey” is the struggle of the original generation to accept the choices of their adult children. I know of a she-woman who had an argument with her father over her choice of raven boy. (“Dad: He’s really smart, and he’s so tall!”) But while it might be a constant and common refrain back home, it’s painful. Here are a few examples of our Ask a Doctor service:
In Boston, a 25-year-old man said: “I was caught between my mother and my wife.” – “My Chinese mother wants my wife to obey her, when she is her mother-in-law, and wait for her. My Wife works all day and doesn’t understand why my mom can’t start eating or why can he help him when he goes, my mom keeps complaining, my wife is crying, what should I do?
a young man in Florida Wrote: “My wife is Latina and I’m white. Whenever we leave, my dad goes further on illegal immigration. My mother can’t stop her. When we come home we fight because she says I should Stop it but I don’t know anything I can tell she’s going to change. Help!”
“My lover and I want to get married, but we are from different nationalities, and we know our parents will never agree. We met secretly for 4 years.” – A lad in Serbia from a woman
Like the writer of these letters, you are in love, you are in love. Like them, you want your parents to love someone you choose and appreciate you. Instead, they cannot see the traditions, values or prejudices behind them. They can’t see your boyfriend or husband because he’s a wonderful guy. They were all wrong – with Capital W. You will feel caught between them. You love, yes, respect your parents, but you also love and appreciate your partner.
Bridging the divide is important. If you and the person you like don’t know your commitments and agreements, and you’re willing to be together, constant rejection, both on the surface and under the surface, will weaken your relationship. Yes. The children of rejecting parents have been trapped in a terrifying dam. Listen to and respond to either party and leave the other feeling ignored or humiliated. People at the center of aversion may be constantly or under pressure to prove their worth. If unpopular, efforts can quickly become irritating, and anger can spill over into relationships.
Fortunately, there is no more rigorous solution than the romantic death scene in Romeo and Juliet. Like Robert in “Federer,” “Tavi,” or “Downton Abbey,” some parents end up accepting their adult children’s choices, and even blessing them. But it takes effort and desire. It doesn’t happen in magic or logic.
Don’t and Dos don’t close the gap:
Don’t take criticism for criticism. Your parents’ values, traditions, and feelings have helped shape who you are today. They can be guiding lights for generations and the center of your family’s identity. Hiding family history is neither honest nor helpful. Too kind. The older generation sticks to their views and ideas because it helps them feel safe in a changing world. Their intentions may be good. Find ways to convince your family of origin that you appreciate and respect your past, while at the same time you are becoming part of a global community that includes people from other areas of your life.
Don’t satisfy parental rejection with justification and logic. To protect means to have something to save. To argue is to argue with you. Answer their concerns with respect and clarity. Accept that cross-cultural marriages are increasingly difficult. Express your sadness because they feel that way. Affirm your love for them and your general respect for their ideas, but be clear that you’ve already made a decision. Kindness is definitely more effective than angry words.
Don’t keep your relationship a secret. Keeping it a secret shows that you are embarrassed about your choice. Inevitably someone will find out, and everyone in the family will be upset, and unhappy with both of you. Make sure you both agree to an agreement to live together. Make sure you are sure. There’s nothing wrong with getting along with your parents in a non-last way.
Don’t use your partner to educate your partner, educate your parents, or make yourself a partner. It’s inappropriate for someone who wants to use you as your ongoing struggle with your parents over issues like religion, caste, or situation.
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