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My Husband Said He Only Married Me Because I Was Pregnant At The Time
I sometimes hear from wives who have just heard a very painful confession from their husband. Sometimes, he admits that he is not happy and considers separation. Other times, he admits that he is not sure if he is still in love with his wife. And eventually, sometimes, for whatever reason, he’ll tell her that he never wanted to marry her in the first place.
In this situation, you might hear a comment like: “For the past seven months or so, my husband and I have been fighting non-stop. His personality has changed. After he reached fifty years old, he began to question everything. My husband has always been a reliable and responsible guy , but now his motto is ‘what about me?’ Now he feels that he worked hard and took care of everyone else, so now it’s his turn to enjoy life and do whatever he wants. My husband now sees his responsibilities as optional. If he doesn’t want to do something today, he just doesn’t. will do. The other day, he talked about having to go to a family reunion in another state. To be honest, no one in my family enjoys going. We have to burn our vacation days and we only see; these cousins and other extended family members once a year. My husband announced that we weren’t going to the reunion this year. He said that “life was too short to do things you don’t want to do.” And then he simply whispered ‘I never wanted to get married in the first place either.’ I was incredibly hurt by this. I was pregnant when we got married but I lost the baby later. We went on to have two beautiful children and to hear him talk about it as a commitment like a family reunion really breaks my heart and makes me think that my husband I’m really lost. I’m realizing that my marriage is in serious danger. What can I do about it?”
Putting Midlife Changes in Perspective: I know this is a tough shot, but I’d like to help with some perspective. This is actually very common around middle age. People are quick to label it a midlife crisis and assume you should just wait it out, but I think this is a very risky strategy. The truth is, when both men and women go through this (because women go through it too) they will sometimes discard the things that they feel are no longer working for them. So you have to be careful that he doesn’t end up putting your marriage in this category.
Now, it is possible that he will finally come to his senses and be able to see things a little more clearly and determine that he is overreacting. But I wouldn’t want to just sit back, do nothing, and count on it. Instead, I would suggest taking inventory of your marriage and trying to determine if there are any improvements that could be made. And I’m not talking about improvements just for him. I’m not talking about changes just to please him. I’m talking about possibly making improvements that will make you both happier.
This can be understandable and even normal when used in moderation: Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with realizing that you only have a certain amount of life left and wanting to make the most of that life. I actually agree with that thought. We are given these days to enjoy them and experience them with pleasure instead of duty. However, some people can take this too far. And there is always the risk of discarding the people or things that are most important to you, because you see your whole life as one big duty or you are not realistic.
Truth be told, it is impossible to erase every annoyance or obligation from your life, even in middle age. All relationships take work. And it’s easy to think you’re going to start over without realizing that any relationship will require a lot of effort. I believe it is a mistake to lump your spouse in with things like family gatherings and home maintenance.
Focus On The Now: As for him saying he never wanted to get married, he may have said that in haste and he may even think he means it, but the truth is that you are married now. That is the reality. So no matter how the marriage turned out, it is here now and it should be dealt with now. I highly doubt that this husband really means that his children and the life you had as a family was not worth it. He is probably caught up in trying to minimize his obligations and the family has been lumped into one broad category.
So how do you try to remove yourself and your marriage from that category? Well, you might want to form a response followed by some action that tries to address this. You might think something like: “it hurts to hear you say that. I know we got married because of the pregnancy, but I never felt like it was something that was forced on me and I’ve never regretted a single second that I spent with our family. I think fate made sure things turned out beautifully. Sure, there are times when things aren’t perfect and there are times when this seems like more work and less play, but we’re at a point. our lives , when there’s no reason we both can’t play more. We’ve worked really hard for the chance to experience this together. The payoff is here. For me, it would be a real shame to jeopardize the life we’ve built together. I’m all for it to look at our marriage and see what could make us both happier. Will you do that with me?”
I know this is easier said than done, but try not to take anything he says too personally now. People often regain perspective when they begin to see that they will not have the perfect life, no matter how drastically they try to change things. Sometimes we can make the process worse when we overreact to it.
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