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DE-FUNKING YOUR LIFE – How Can I Feel Happy, Energetic and Inspired by Life Again?

Hey, we all wake up some days “dealing with the Funk”… whether it’s a self-imposed funk or an accidental funk, we get the funk, and that funk feels… feels….. kind of… funky. ..

So, “what are we going to do with this one?”

The funk is the funk…

Funko means heart attack. Yes, that’s right, a heart attack. It is either the true heart, the loving heart or the spiritual heart.

So, when we have the funk, it’s a heart attack and if we ignore that, or if we try to get out of that funk without taking a break, we will escalate that funk into a real problem.

Instead of getting out of the funk, we have to give in to it.

Funk doesn’t last. A funk might last a day, sometimes a week. In that week we have to mend the broken heart, and so we have to change some shit.

Let’s see… what we should do when we surrender to da funk…

1. Check for Physical Funk Heart Attack.

Now, in Chinese medicine all the organs end up leading to the heart. So, even if your anus hurts, it has to do with your heart. So, when the funk is here, it’s a heart attack. Now we know we have an attack on our heart on the physical side, we need to trace it back to the source.

That’s not tomato sauce, it’s the root source, and it could be kidney, liver, lungs, arteries, prostate, ovaries (if you’re only female) and more. So, the attack on the heart causes the funk, but the attack comes from distant places.

I once had a heart attack that bought on the funk for six months. I did more yoga and went to doctors and they x-rayed my testicles until I glowed in the dark, but still they did more tests. One time they put electrodes on my fingers and send shocks through my body and asked, “did that hurt?” They should have worked at Guantanamo Bay.

Despite all those tests and the new Lamborghini the specialist got from all my bills, the funk didn’t go away. But one day, I bent down to pick up a coin and shzzaaaam I got pain all over my body like I gave birth to the incredible colossus.. and I don’t have a vagina… so they rushed me to hospital. and there was a kidney stone the size of the engagement ring on the earlobe of Maasai warriors. It was screwed with my kidney for six months and now decided to make it out to the world.

Getting that stone down my urethra was like trying to suck a Biggest Loser contestant up a straw on a milkshake..or even worse, trying to drink a McDonalds Thick Shake through a straw….

After a week on some pills that made the world look really good, even my ex, then they sonicated that rock the size of a meteor into bits that they asked me to collect in a sieve every time I peed for the next two weeks. . Well, it wasn’t hard to know when to reach for the sieve, in fact my neighbors could do it with the screaming and yelling I went through as pieces of coral traveled down Freddie and exited my body…

Suffice it to say, a few months later, it was no funk.

Funk is a heart attack and you know more than one funky day a week is a heart attack. You just don’t know the source… If you’re a guy over 50, get your cholesterol checked, send a submarine to check your heart isn’t blocked, then ask a nice doctor to send a finger where fingers don’t usually go. suitable to check your prostate… then if they can’t find anything look elsewhere, blood tests etc.

My kidney stone could have been detected, but I retreated too quickly.

After you have done an MRI on your whole body, and the whole body.. move to step 2.

Step 2. Check out Love Funk Heart Attack

From funk there is also depression. Depression is a bad word because it’s kind of “stereotypical”… “hey, he has depression” is like “he has the plague – stay away, wear a mask.”

So, let’s call depression “Love Funk”

For women this funk is not common. Mainly because most women are emotionally honest (especially the ones who hate men)… and there are many.. but that’s another topic.

For guys, “Love Funk” can come months and months after a love funk moment. Like a breakup or some bad news like “hey, did you know your wife is chasing your neighbor?”… Many men are not in touch with their feelings so even though they experience the shock of the Love Funk incident, it’s too late a reaction like an earthquake aftershock that can take months or years to surface.

I remember breaking up with a partner back before I got enlightened… (just kidding).. anyway, it was a while ago. I was hurt but didn’t even know it. I carried on like nothing happened and then I got the Funk…Love Funk…about 2 years later.

I went to the doctor and described my symptoms and he suggested that I needed psychological counseling. (which is still true) but that aside, I had a Love Funk about a past relationship even though I was happy in the new one. It seems I wasn’t being completely honest with myself and, as my dad used to say, “get strong and be strong” So, here I was, with Love Funk.

I didn’t take the pills, I took some herbs….St John’s Wart…Which is the worst brand for an anti-depressant I’ve ever heard. Who is St John and why would his Warts be better than mine…. Anyway, I took that stuff and then started working through my attachments, hurts, guilt (there was a lot of those) and anger about the whole old relationship. Crap that’s such a waste of time but I had the Funk and there was no way I was going to live in the Love Funk world for long.

Step 3. Check for Spiritual Funk Heart Attack

Spiritual Funk has nailed me to the wall more times than I’d like to admit.

Spiritual funk means lost hope for some dream I had about the future.

When I was 17 I wanted to be an AFL football star, I trained every morning, every night, I slept with a football next to me, I had pictures on my walls and I loved playing football. Then, one game I jumped to reach for the stars to take a mark and fell on my twisted ankle. It tore the ligaments of the bone. Back in those days, they put a cast on everything, even a snake bite, so, All I ended up with was a ligament attached ankle that couldn’t tolerate grounds rougher than a bowling alley. I sprained that ankle over 100 times over the next few years, including in Nepal on Himalayan treks. It took five years of yoga to make me trustworthy again. Suffice it to say, my football career is over.

I got the Spiritual Funks and went to the doctor…he said, “You’ve got depression” but I was a hero, a laughing, funny guy. No depression for me. But he was right, when my dreams of being a sports hero collapsed, so did I. I got the Spirit Funk.

Years later after my marriage blew up, and my three kids went off around the world to, as my ex-wife said, “get as far away from you as possible”.. I got the Spiritual Funks again… This time I was so Funked out that I went to a cliff top to jump.. I didn’t want more funk… I didn’t jump – obviously.

Many, many, many, many… people I meet have spiritual funk… You can tell a person with Spiritual Funk because they feel old to be around, lack a sparkle in their eyes, and are obsessed with it , what other people think.

Spiritual Funk is bad funk… and to deal with it, we use four substitutes:

Food and Booze and Drugs… We can escape the Funk by shoveling food on it, pouring liquor on it or transporting our brain away from it. So, obesity, drug addiction, alcohol addictions, diabetes, high blood pressure and colon problems and more, can be directly linked to Spiritual Funk… Lost dreams, lost hopes and attachment to the past.

Greed… The poorest man I ever met was the richest. A billionaire who lived in fear of losing it. Greed is not measured in wealth or frugal spending, it is measured in competitiveness, tension, stress and fear.

Sexiness… When all else fails, bonk. That is the mass consciousness that saved the planet from extinction for thousands of years. Lots – hands down – most sex on the planet happens because there’s nothing better to do.. and luckily for us it is, because otherwise we’d run out of people to buy iMacs. Clothing, fashion, restaurants, resorts and more all run on Spiritual Funk for significant core business. When the Lights go out at the End of the Tunnel, people light a match, it’s called sexuality. A match light in front of your face makes the light at the end of the tunnel invisible anyway… It’s a great metaphor…

Spirituality… My friend is married to a guy. I pity him. She meditates 4 hours a day and thinks something great happens as a result. But really, the spark is gone and her hiding place has just been vindicated, cross-legged on the floor with her eyes closed, in a no-man’s land…

My friend is into Spiritual Funk and has been there for 20 years. In the last five she also got fat so, now the spirituality doesn’t block the world enough, she eats.. my God, she eats enough to feed a third world country… And then has a column… as part of her spiritual cleansing.. .Recently her two boys have become teenagers, and they are under clinical supervision for depression… remember my quote from Jung… “nothing affects the child more than the unlived life of the parent?”

Conclusion

OK, so there are three sources of FUNK…all of which affect the heart.

It’s Physical Funk that comes from the body but ultimately attacks the heart. This is the first place we need to look if we have The Funk because your body is Nature’s Bible… it tells you things and it pays to listen.

It’s Love Funk… Emotional stuff that has gone underground and eats away at your energy… like anger repressed becomes depressive. Guilt, shame, blame, victimhood, anger, jealousy, are Love Funk triggers.

It’s Spiritual Funk. Spiritual funk is really ugly. And 90% of the world lives in this Funk. It’s dark, desperate and makes people act, breathe, eat, sleep, bonk and pray in some fanatical and strange ways. You can’t fight Spiritual Funk…if you’ve got it because some dream has been shattered, then it’s time for you to reinvent yourself. Banging your head against a brick wall and feeling sorry for yourself might work, but this is not what nature intended, and it is certainly not a path to a FUNCTION-FREE LIFE.

Chris Walker

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