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Divorced But Not Over It?
Shrink About This
The divorce may be final, but is the lingering pain and anger still eating away at you? Here are ten tips to help process the injury and move on with your life.
1. PHYSICAL damage
Prolonged anxiety, stress or agony of any kind hurts you physically, not just emotionally. Go to the track and run away from the hurt, lift weights and scream, dance until you sweat. Eat right and drink water, don’t drink. Give your body a rest. Self-destruction will not heal the relationship. If you lose it or feel suicidal, ask your doctor for antidepressants for a few months.
2. THINK IN TERMS OF SUCCESS
If you managed to have a relationship, any relationship, even if it ended badly, at least you knew passion, partnership and maybe, parenthood. All of this can include pain as well. Would you rather never feel anything for anyone?
3. SAVE THE CHILDREN
Are you trying to continue being a good parent but your ex would rather cut you off? That situation can push desperate panic buttons. Remember the story of Solomon and the two mothers. Let the child live in peace and stay as engaged as you can. When the child is about ten, they see the truth. Just give consistent, unconditional love and time will do the rest. Never make the mistake of yelling at your children out of frustration with your partner or making the children the mediator.
4. HOT ANGER
Hot anger is, well, hot and not that different from passion. If you are still involved in someone else’s life and what they say or do, you still need to care. If a stranger said or did similar things, would it bother you? Probably not. Admit that you still care and get some professional help to process the love left masquerading as hate.
5. BLIND TO THE NEXT
While you’re pouting in the corner, your perfect match might be staring at you. If you are still completely involved in your old dead relationship, you will not notice. Double loss.
6. OUT OF TOWN
Remove yourself from triggers that reset the feelings. Take a trip to Rome or Baltimore, anywhere that’s new and different to help put a relationship crisis in perspective. It’s just a relationship. As much as it may hurt now, it is not life-threatening HIV or cancer. You will recover.
7. NUMBERS REALITY
It is true that of all marriages in America, 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 67% of second and 74% of third marriages also end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. The distribution as shown at http://www.divorcerate.org/ is as follows:
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America
Age Women Men
Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%
Relationships are much harder to hold together in this time of stress and easy divorce, especially if you were too young.
8. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
As terrible as your relationship may be right now, you made a long series of choices that brought you to this place. Take responsibility for your fifty percent of all decisions and also the problems. The blame game is immature and fruitless. Learn from your mistakes and try harder next time by choosing a more compatible partner or learning to be a better partner.
9. FOR A LONG TIME
If you have a child together, you’ll also share grandchildren and great-grandchildren at weddings, graduations and birthdays. Soul for the past will affect the lives of your future descendants as long as you live or as long as you hold a grudge. Sweet innocents will love grandma and grandpa and your poison at their parties will poison them. Not fair to the little kids. If you stay in the same city, your friends and co-workers will have to make up for your broken relationship and inability to mend hurt feelings. Supervisors may read this as inadequately resolving other issues and pass you over for the next promotion. Like rings of stone in a pond, the bad vibes will spread around you.
10. TIME IS SHORT
Your life is leaving. Wouldn’t you rather smile, sail, walk, discover new miracles of science or gardening, than go to war?
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