What All Should My 4 Month Old Baby Be Doing Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

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Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

Can’t afford a Lexus? Get a Honda. Don’t have time for Delivery? Digiorno There are many times when we have to make substitutes for things we might want. After all this is not Plato’s world of ideal forms or Mister Roger’s land of faith, this is reality, a place where sometimes you have to settle for second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have talked about the pros and cons of becoming parents but haven’t committed yet: not enough room, too much debt, not enough income, not enough job stability. Plus there’s just too much shit, not enough freedom, too much stress, etc. etc. etc. What did we agree on? Well upsets of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make and it’s easy to make some clever comparisons between babies and furios. So I wondered: Are Ferrets a legitimate baby substitute?

Obviously the human species has a great physical and psychological drive to reproduce and doing so is satisfying for a number of different reasons. Obviously a ferret does not elicit the same emotional reaction in a mother as when she looks at her biological child. Nor can you teach your ferret how to play the French horn and have the opportunity to beam with abundant pride as you attend his first concert. No, there are many things that a ferret simply cannot do for you. However, there are a few things that nags can help with if you just don’t have the money, time, or desire to dive into parenthood. Here is a list of ways that Hurons provide reasonable substitutes for human babies.

1. Babies Poop:: Ferrets Poop

If you just love cleaning up poop, but hate dealing with all the diapers, flailing legs, and ear-splitting screams of the common baby, a ferret might be just the thing for you. Pooches poop as much or more than human babies, but you don’t need to change their diapers, you don’t need to smell their accidents, and you never need to potty them when they get older.

2. Babies Sleep:: Ferrets Sleep

Babies are beautiful when they sleep, however that is only relative to the hellish fraud they resembled when awake. Ferrets are also pure adorableness when sleeping. They make nests in your laundry room, cuddle together, stick out their tongues and stretch out into capital U shapes. Plus they actually get cuter when they first wake up. Instead of screams and smells you are met with yawns and some delightfully precious stretching. In addition, the furios sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day, which means that they are beautiful up to 83% of the day! WOW!

3. Babies Need Protection:: Ferrets Need Protection

Much of the satisfaction of parenthood comes from the pride one takes in successfully preventing a less intelligent organism from killing itself. Human infants, being essentially useless tubes of flesh during the first years of life, provide maximum opportunities in this regard. Sure babies can kill themselves by sleeping the wrong way, but toddlers do pretty suicidal things too. For example, a leech will eagerly jump to its death from your arms if you do not restrain it. A ferret will also consume any number of indigestible, poisonous and/or dangerous objects if given the opportunity, allowing ample opportunity for their handlers to feel indispensable.

4. Babies Impress Guests:: Ferrets Impress Guests

If you’re like most parents, you probably feel the need to rub your baby in everyone’s faces following a minor achievement like blowing milk bubbles or pronouncing the letter “H.” Ferrets are also phenomenal at letting you pretend you deserve bragging rights. Party tricks are great and most pranks can be learned to roll and/or play dead, leaving your guests positively tickled in disbelief. Pooches are constantly begging for treats, jumping at your leg and trying to climb into your arms and laps. This completely selfish behavior is thankfully interpreted as a strong emotional bond between pet and owner. “See,” you may say, “he’ll even lick this ice cream right off my nose!” Follow that up with a healthy spell of the giggles and you’ve made your case.

In closing pet ferrets and biological children are amazingly similar. For a long time you just can’t beat a human baby with a stick. But when you compare the first five years of parenthood spent in a near-manic state of perpetual sleep deprivation and arguing with your spouse to five years as a carefree bear cub owner, it makes you wonder: Could it be? Are Ferrets better than babies?

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