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Divorce Recovery and Early Dating: When Is It OK to Start Dating Again?
There is a lot of heat, but very little light generated by asking when we should start dating again. Some say to wait a year. Some say immediately to get over the divorce. Some say don’t date if the divorce isn’t final. Some say go for it if the marriage is over, regardless of whether the judge signed the papers. Many religions say not to date until after the divorce is final. Everyone has an opinion. No one has a one-size-fits-all answer.
Early Dating – What Is It and Is It a Good Thing?
Early dating can be a very powerful part of your divorce recovery.
Early dating occurs when you start dating again either before the divorce is legally final or shortly thereafter. Early dating is marked by huge amounts of “bake” and attachments to your ex and the life you shared that have not yet been dissolved or eliminated.
Whether it’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on what you want dating to achieve for you. Broadly speaking, if you want to date to enjoy your newfound freedom from being tied to your ex, it can be most enjoyable. If on the other hand, you want to start dating to trigger a response from your ex or to reassure your friends and relatives, it will end badly.
Some say you should wait until your marriage is over. Sounds good, but what does it actually mean for a marriage to “be over?”
When Right It is Is Marriage Over?
Any marriage that has ended is effectively over long before it formally ends.
A marriage ends as soon as one of the spouses looks in the mirror feeling calm, sober, well-rested and introspective and declares privately to himself or herself, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to get out.” This happens long before any judge declares a marriage officially over by signing the divorce papers.
It also sets the clock for you to make the decision to start dating again. In the back of everyone’s mind is the question, “How can I be sure this is a good idea now?”
One Says “Date” Another Says “Don’t Date” – Will They Please Make Up Your Damned Mind?
Don’t count on your friends and relatives to be much help.
When looking for advice, you should talk to people you can trust. The obvious choices are your friends and family. You assume they will have your best interests at heart. But do they? Can they? Probably not.
Friends and relatives are only human. Of course they filter their advice through their own experience, hopes, fears and belief systems. The result? A jumbled mess of contradictory advice that reflects their fears and fantasies they would have if they were in your situation. In a word, it is useless.
Bottom line: don’t pay too much attention to what other people advise you to do. Their advice, well-intentioned as it is, is a statement of their agenda for you Invariably, their agenda is different from yours.
Your job is to explain what your agenda and expectations are and not to sabotage them by trying to move the relationship development process too quickly.
Three Early Dating Rules to Live By
Early dating is not without some potential problems, especially impatience.
The 12 to 18 months before and after the divorce is final are sacred! Treat them as a gift from the relationship gods. The purpose of this transitional time is to restore balance, personal power, perspective, self-love and stability back into your life.
What matters is not what you dobut what you don’t do do Three “rules” will help you make your early dating experience a success.
Rule #1: Slow Things Down Wow Down: During the first 6 months of dating, limit what you plan and discuss with your partner to no more than 7 days in the future. For the next 6 months, limit what you plan and discuss with your partner to no more than 30 days in the future.
Now is not the time to imagine living “happily ever after”. anyone It is the time to reacquaint yourself with yourself and enjoy your new freedom.
Rule #2: DON’T Sign Anything for 12 to 18 Months: Do not sign any legal or financial documents with your partner for at least 18 months. No marriage licenses, no car titles, no loan applications, no home mortgages, no joint checking accounts, NOTHING! You will have the rest of your life to do so after the shock and readjustments to your post-divorce life have worn off. Just don’t do it in the first 18 months after your divorce is final.
Rule #3: Don’t Get Serious Yet: Don’t get pregnant or get your partner pregnant. Just don’t do it. Now is not the time to start a new family. Having a child will no miraculously give your life meaning after divorce. It will seriously destroy your efforts to restore balance, personal power, perspective, self-love and stability back into your life.
So, What’s the Point?
There is never a good time to start dating for bad reasons.
Asking “When should I start dating again?” is the wrong question. The more helpful question is, “Why do I want to start dating again?”
Are you dating to enjoy your newfound freedom from the attachments of attachment, OR are you nurturing and strengthening your ties to the past?
Early dating allows you to begin the transition from being attached and married to being unattached and single, NOT reattached and married. It’s an early date no vehicle to find your next committed relationship.
(Now a word from your lawyer: The last question to ask before you start dating again is whether your lawyer thinks dating at this point will compromise your divorce case. Obviously, if it does then honor your lawyer’s advice and hold off until it’s safe. do that.)
This is the time in your life to enjoy having “slipped the unkind bonds of an unhappy marriage.” Use it to enjoy your first step into your life after divorce.
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