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Infertility – Ain’t It a Misconception
In March of 2006 I suffered my first miscarriage. I was very disappointed to say the least. However, I was only thirty-three years old and told myself I had plenty of time. In October of 2007 I got pregnant again. I was delighted. I knew everything would be fine because I had already suffered one miscarriage. In November I did an ultrasound, and the heartbeat was not found. I still remained hopeful, but after 10 weeks there was still no heartbeat. The doctor explained that there was a sac, but an embryo never formed. Later, two more miscarriages occurred in April and May of 2008. Well, my fifth pregnancy was the charm. I was able to carry a beautiful baby boy full term. In May of 2009 my life changed forever, and I became a mom.
I always tried to stay optimistic through the whole endeavor, even though it wasn’t easy at times. My husband and I went to infertility doctors and had many tests done on each of us. I remember how humiliated we both felt. Especially when my husband had his scrotum pushed almost up to his neck while the urologist was doing his exam. I will never forget the look of horror and humiliation that flashed across his face when he looked at me. The end result was knowing that they really knew the reason for our infertility.
I have always believed that everything in life happens for a reason, but I could not figure out the reason for our infertility. My sister and Mother had no problems getting pregnant and keeping their pregnancies, why should I? There were days when I didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. My mind was always focused on “What if?” What if we could never have a baby? What if we adopt a baby? What if we never hear the patter of little feet on Christmas morning? What if I never feel the movement of another life inside me? Then there was the questioning of complete strangers, Well, how old are you? Do you have children? And the most terrifying question of all – Why don’t you have children? That question pierced me like a knife through my heart. In my most bitter moments I wondered if I could have these complete strangers arrested for the emotional assault they had just planted on my soul. Then there were the couples who had children, “Thank God you don’t have children,” they would say, “they are nothing but a nuisance.” This would scare me. Did people who had such an easy time conceiving and having babies take that for granted?
Not being able to carry a child can be one of the most emotionally difficult defeats a woman can face in her life. It affects the one job she can never shelve and forget – being a woman. Once a month a woman who is trying to conceive is reminded that her attempts have again been in vain, and even if she wanted to forget about it, that meeting with Mother Nature is a constant reminder.
Life takes on a whole new meaning for a woman suffering with infertility. Instead of enjoying each day, each day becomes a countdown to beat the biological clock ticking inside her. Sometimes I used to feel such anxiety because I knew time was not on my side. My mind would start to go blank on why people who don’t want their babies seem to have no problem getting pregnant, and then there was me. I questioned everything in my life. Maybe I shouldn’t be so carefree in my twenties, but I figured I had enough time to get pregnant and have a baby. I kept putting off the idea of having children, whatever the outcome I would face the consequence when I got to that point. Little did I know that the aftermath would break my heart.
I’m a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and to this day, when women ask me for advice, the first thing I tell them is don’t get bitter. Bitterness is like cancer, and if left untreated can cause serious illness to one’s body and soul. Women who face infertility must literally take it one day at a time. What I did was the wrong thing, wondering too many “What If?” If you get too caught up with the “What if”? You will miss the beauty that God has to offer in the moment. I know what a tragic circumstance infertility can be. However, we are all in control of our ability to face it with courage and hope, and not despair and fear. Living with infertility is unlike any other illness because there is no guarantee that with treatment, surgery or care you will be guaranteed any cure. Throughout the journey to motherhood I simply remembered that there is a higher being, and even though I didn’t understand my journey He did. I look at my son and am thankful that I was chosen to be his mother, and he was chosen to be my son. The trip was worth it if for me.
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