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Employing the Art of the Possible When Mourning the Death of a Loved One

Have you thought, “Why do I feel so empty and without purpose in my life?” Or, “How can I begin to reduce the pain and suffering that has turned my life upside down? Where can I go? What can I do?” These are questions we all face at some point in life, and they do have answers.

The effectiveness of the answers depends on your willingness to extricate yourself from your deep emotional turmoil and slavery to the deceased. This in no way implies that you forget your loved one because you need to establish a new relationship with him/her. By focusing intensely on the tasks of grief, not the outcome, you naturally establish the needed connection.

It does the hard work of grieving, and commits to the unpredictable path to adjustment that ultimately leads to an outcome you can live with. At first, you don’t know what those results will be. As you adjust to your great loss, the outcome begins to take shape and then become acceptable. This is how the art of the possible fits in and guides the process of adaptation.

1. Start with the following recovery orientation. In all the new experiences you face — the new skills, routines, responsibilities, roles, required assertiveness, expectations, and changes imposed by your great loss — be open and look for the greatest possible number of ways to gain from the challenge. Eliminate the narrow one-dimensional, either/or approach.

The art of the possible always includes your choice to ring all of each new experience, examining all points of view and ways of using the new. Always say to yourself, “What are all the possibilities here?” As part of your engaged openness, use the following methods.

2. Model the behavior of those who have been in situations like yours and succeeded. Do what works. Decide what you can add or change to what you learn from the behavior of those who coped well with their loss and adapted to their new world. Modeling the behavior of others is used in many areas of human endeavor with great success. Be willing to try what you learn and perfect it to your style and taste. Never forget: behavior changes attitude. Continue in your trial period.

3. Be realistic. Assess what you know and think you can do and what you’re sure you can’t accomplish. Take on the most important challenges in your new life first. And, refuse to be responsible for everything and everyone. Get rid of that old belief you learned as a child. The art of the possible implies consistent ongoing effort, not a quick fix; there are no quick fixes in adapting to loss and change.

4. Be Proactive. Look ahead. Cultivate a social support (friendship) network. Every widow or widower I’ve ever spoken to has one thing in common: with one voice they agree on the enormous importance of interpersonal relationships as an essential ingredient in adjusting to their loss. Look around you at the many possibilities you have to strengthen existing friendships or initiate new ones. Reach out. Say hello first. Or, you may have to invent your own way to develop your social support network. But go for it.

5. Do something. Don’t just stand there. Acting when you would rather not is a key factor in using or testing possibilities. Turning new routines and behaviors into habits takes time and determination. Make doing the unsavory your new motto until the new behaviors become manageable and eventually become habits. Doing is the real secret of happiness.

6. Change the oil. Give yourself daily treats. Go places and engage in activities you’ve always enjoyed. Start an old hobby you had as a child. Window shop. Find a friend and walk through the local Mall two or three times a week. Read inspirational poetry or stories from others who have coped well with their losses. Think about the possibilities you have to build your various skill levels to help those who are not as well off as you.

7. Trust. No secrets. Find a confidant. This will open up many opportunities to express feelings and choices. We all need someone to tell how we really feel at any given time. This can happen a week after the funeral or ten weeks later. Look for someone who will be there with you forever. And you may have to cultivate such a relationship and explain how important this person is to you.

In short, using the art of the possible to face your great loss means using your creativity. Everyone has creative ability because creativity is about using the gift of imagination. Allow your imagination to provide new ideas in every new situation you find yourself in. Try different approaches to use the new one. Throw out what doesn’t seem to work and build on what you keep. Moving forward is always your choice as you adjust to your loved one’s absence.

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