What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode Integrating Fear and Love – A Sexual Abuse Thriver Story Underneath the Iceberg

You are searching about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode, today we will share with you article about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode was compiled and edited by our team from many sources on the internet. Hope this article on the topic What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode is useful to you.

Integrating Fear and Love – A Sexual Abuse Thriver Story Underneath the Iceberg

Revelations keep coming in about child sexual abuse happening more often than anyone wants to know. These issues keep coming up as an in your face global social problem. Those who are appalled and dismayed, and those who continue to seek ways to invalidate the brave who lived this experience, seem to make judgments, laws and social decisions without truly understanding this lived experience. Many like me who experienced childhood sexual abuse quietly go about their lives attracted to other wounded souls who they can share love and care for when they have not learned to do so for themselves. This ability to love and give to others is a disconnected wisdom of the spirit that lives within but until integrated does not help the wearer. It also silences us for fear of rejection from others who can so easily express their opinions about something they have no experience of except what they have learned from books and research. Research while helpful is not even the tip of the iceberg of the thoughts and feelings that lie beneath, needing an island of safety before they can emerge and be expressed. Research gives us ideas about a certain group but not the individual lived experiences. So this article is not about generalizing to everyone. It is my story, my struggle to find my voice and give it words of expression to what I keep discovering that lies beneath the iceberg of my life.

I believe that I came into this world with a spirit of Love. I loved life. I loved people. I loved my family. I was afraid of my family. We had good times and bad times. They confused me. They hurt me. They did what they knew. I did everything I could do for them. From what I was told, I was the center of my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and grandfather’s world. In conversations later in life my stepdad told me he thought I was spoiled and that he needed to get me in line. My parents divorced before I was born. I had episodes of childhood visits with my father, who is now deceased. About a year later my mom married my stepfather. In my memory it was the December after my 2nd birthday while driving in a movie while my mom was having a baby shower for my sister that the molestation started. My mind flashes to bits of that memory that haven’t left me. I remember being confused at first, but my stepfather’s face appeared so happy that I thought I must have done something good. I was so excited when I went home, I tried to tell my mother but she was too busy. The abuse continued until I left home at 17. I don’t remember how often it happened. I don’t think that matters. I remember the first time there was penetration and I started bleeding. I went to tell him and he told me to go tell my mother. She went on to tell me that this is what happens when girls grow up. It didn’t make sense to me because in my mind it had more to do with what my stepfather did to me than growing up. But her face was happy and it seemed to mean something to her so I accepted what she said and denied my own valid experience.

Fast forward to about 13 years. My mom found my stepfather in my bed one morning and all hell broke loose. I heard her saying things like ‘you told me you’d never have another woman’, him saying it was because I was wearing short nightgowns, my siblings coming out of their rooms hysterical and me frozen in fear of ‘what I’ve done wrong’. Later my mother confirmed that it was my fault and told me that I didn’t respect her, but I needed to respect my stepfather. The situation left me feeling completely responsible. My stepdad told me if my mom asked to tell her that it only went on for a while because she didn’t want to have sex with him. She never asked. (I’m not sure it occurred to me that they had sex. I think I grew up believing it was between us, even though I knew it was happening with my other stepsister. I didn’t learn until years later that he had also molested my youngest stepsister.) I did wonder how long it lasted. I realized that it continued throughout my childhood. The positive thing that came out of the situation was that I now had permission to say no. It never occurred to me to say no. (My stepsisters both told him no when they were teenagers and he stopped.)

Oh, I take that back. There was an incident when I was about 5 or 6 where my Nannie found me and some of my friends acting like we were boys and had a penis. She was so angry and then she went and told my mom. Their faces were very angry. It really scared me and confused me because my stepdad pointed his penis at me and put it between my legs. I was just presenting my experience. Neither saw my behavior as red flags. I also remember a time when he had me in the playhouse and I heard my Nannie calling me. He covered my mouth and told me to be completely quiet. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to get away from him but my nanny was everything to me and I wanted to go to her. I remember realizing that she didn’t know what we were doing and he didn’t want her to know. I just didn’t know what to do with that information. I assumed everyone knew.

Other things happened during my childhood like physical abuse, emotional detachment, and multiple losses and moves. My iceberg is made up of so many things that it’s hard to know what contributed to what. I survived the physical and sexual abuse. I have no physical scars from either. Most of my wounds were to my evolving self trying to integrate and make sense of the confusing messages and experiences within a family that seemed to the world like leaving it to a beaver. We were involved in church, scouting, school activities and had friends. I think that’s why I see life as both and rather than either or. We had everything. I also think that the confusing and unanswered questions not only contributed to my self-blame but also to my shame.

I remember after we got engaged in church and I found out that my sins could be washed away, I was so happy. I confessed that I had sinned (I didn’t say what I thought my sins were but that I had sinned) and accepted Jesus into my heart. I felt freedom and a burden lifted after I was baptized. However, the shame returned. Sometimes I baptized myself by bathing and imagining the dirty feelings going down the drain. I just couldn’t pretend

Letting go of my feelings that I wasn’t okay. God could not forgive me. He could forgive others. I know now that it was me who did not forgive myself. In my distorted thinking I attached service to others as my lifelong penance. I think that belief came from never feeling that what I did was good enough for my family. I couldn’t get my parents to stop yelling and fighting and I couldn’t get them to stop hitting my siblings. I could not make my mother a mother. Before I turned 18, the belief in my failures ran my life and I could accept any mistreatment as validation of God’s judgment on me and my ‘lot in life to bear.’

Over the years I confronted my parents and we got along with each other. My humanity needed them and not receiving my legitimate needs from them I lived in great fear of abandonment and rejection. This fear organized my beliefs and motivated me from a place of fear. My spirit of Love could not leave them and somehow understood them as lost children in adult bodies. Now I am learning to give that spirit of Love to myself. I am learning to nurture myself and provide myself with the self-care I deserve. I realize that it was not God who did not forgive me; it was me who didn’t forgive me. I think it was easier to accept and take the blame and have an illusion of power and control than to accept my overwhelming feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, shame and grief. The emotions were too much to bear, so they had to go somewhere. Children not only readily accept the blame for adult failings, they resist any attempt to tell them otherwise. I see it every day in my private practice.

It is a difficult journey of fear that keeps you locked in self-forgiveness until you accept and validate your innocence and return to the Love of your spirit.

Sexual abuse is not just about sex, it is a journey to integrate fear back into Love. Sexual abuse is not only about the sexual acts but about what happens after revelation. How sensitive can others really be if they don’t understand the dynamics of this issue and that experiences are individual, not general? The thoughts, feelings and experiences of each person must be honored and acknowledged as well as their continued integration. I have experienced sexual abuse and it is not who I am; that’s what happened to me. Now I give those experiences a voice added to the choir.

Video about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode

You can see more content about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode on our youtube channel: Click Here

Question about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode

If you have any questions about What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode, please let us know, all your questions or suggestions will help us improve in the following articles!

The article What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode was compiled by me and my team from many sources. If you find the article What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode helpful to you, please support the team Like or Share!

Rate Articles What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode

Rate: 4-5 stars
Ratings: 6601
Views: 30095205

Search keywords What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode

What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode
way What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode
tutorial What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode
What May Be Driving A 13-Year-Olds Out-Of-Control Behavior Full Episode free
#Integrating #Fear #Love #Sexual #Abuse #Thriver #Story #Iceberg

Source: https://ezinearticles.com/?Integrating-Fear-and-Love—A-Sexual-Abuse-Thriver-Story-Underneath-the-Iceberg&id=4047069

Related Posts

default-image-feature

A 3-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For A Well-Child Examination Is Your Child’s Reading Up to Speed? Five Signs to Look For and What You Can Do About It

You are searching about A 3-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For A Well-Child Examination, today we will share with you article about A 3-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For…

default-image-feature

What Kind.Of.Chores.Can A 3.Year Old.Do.For Game Time Factors to Consider Before Buying a Board Game

You are searching about What Kind.Of.Chores.Can A 3.Year Old.Do.For Game Time, today we will share with you article about What Kind.Of.Chores.Can A 3.Year Old.Do.For Game Time was…

default-image-feature

What Kind Of Stool Should A One-And-A-Half-Year-Old Have Hang Ten at Herbie K’s

You are searching about What Kind Of Stool Should A One-And-A-Half-Year-Old Have, today we will share with you article about What Kind Of Stool Should A One-And-A-Half-Year-Old…

default-image-feature

What Do 5 Month Old Babies Like To Play With How to Help Your Baby Sleep Soundly at Night

You are searching about What Do 5 Month Old Babies Like To Play With, today we will share with you article about What Do 5 Month Old…

default-image-feature

A 14-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For A Well-Child Examination Basic Dog Commands – Training a Puppy

You are searching about A 14-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For A Well-Child Examination, today we will share with you article about A 14-Month-Old Boy Is Brought For…

default-image-feature

What Kind Of Questions Would You Ask Ask A Six-Year-Old Three Stages of the Dummy Curve

You are searching about What Kind Of Questions Would You Ask Ask A Six-Year-Old, today we will share with you article about What Kind Of Questions Would…